I recently caught wind of Kanye West's apology letter for his past anti-semitism and promotion of Nazi ideology. His bigotry was, of course, not acceptable, and he is not entitled to anyone's forgiveness. But the whole situation also revealed to me that no one understands mental illness at all. Mental illness can make someone bigoted and say/do things that do not necessarily reflect their personal morals--hell, mental illness can even make someone kill themselves (surprise)!

It seems no one is willing to offer even a little bit of sympathy to someone who is clearly suffering. No one believes that mentally-ill, or disabled people in general, deserve humanity and dignity. They will call themselves advocates for mental health (only in abstract), but ultimately just want us to disappear from society so they won't have to be bothered by our ails.

Dynamics quiz was absolutely dogshit; embarassing. Despite that, I ate two Jamaican patties afterwards, which were quite nice given the general poor quality of the university cafeteria's food.

Sometimes I have to reckon with the fact that my dreams of a career in academia will probably leave me just as burnt-out and soulless as a job in the industry would. Both suck. Both grind people to death. Both are full of bureaucratic, archaic structures. I should just become an unemployed NEET after I finish my PhD.

Everything I've been drawing looks terrible to me. It's unbearably cold outside. I can't think of a proper research proposal(s). I'm worried potential supervisors and scholarship programs will reject me. I have no motivation to work on my shrine pages. I don't understand calc. Microsoft OneDrive keeps trying to get me to pay their stupid subscription. Fuck my stupid chungus life.

On the bright side, I got my Sims 4 game up and running again.

The enormity of my desire disgusts me. I wish I could eliminate this wretched desire for others, and for others to desire me.

I had leftover truffle waffle fries (topped with parmesan cheese) this morning. They were pretty good. It was from this Asian-fusion brunch place I've never been to before.

Back in the trenches (school) again. I hope this semester will be better, since the courses I'm taking actually seem interesting this time around. My statics course from last sem got a massive curve, apparently. I am praying that it will apply to me if I get an assessed mark for missing the final.

Coming back to school has made me feel sort of awful about my social life. I'm getting these irrational feelings and thoughts that everyone hates me, no one will ever want to date me, and I'm at the bottom of the biological hierarchy. I can't seem to fit in with either sexes, even if I try to force myself into gender and social conformity.

I don't know. I guess I just have to accept that women are disgusted by me and men want to hurt me.

To anyone reading this, happy new year!

2025 has been probably one of the most difficult and best years of my life. During these past 12 months, I lost people, graduated high school, was admitted into my top choice of university, became and adult, started anti-depressents, watched several new shows, struggled with my mother and grandmother's failing health, and generally just felt vaguely stressed about everything at all times. The year felt long, and that is certainly an understatement.

Despite it all, I feel somewhat hopeful for 2026, even if a year ending in '6' feels unsatisfying or kind of wrong compared to '5'. Even if I'm scared and uncertain of whatever is ahead of me. I guess if I could survive everything that happened in 2025, I can make it through greater challenges--as cliche and cheesy as that may sound.

Anyway I'm going to keep watching The Pitt. Maybe this year I should start and maintain a media log on this site.

I am home from university for winter break. The flight was terrible.

Is the DOJ genuinely this stupid. Are they not aware of how easy it is to unredact shoddily-censored text in a PDF.

Sick as a dog and I couldn't take my mechanics final as a result. However, Jake Paul got the brakes beaten out of him in his heavyweight fight against Anthony Joshua--God is good!!

Finals season has made me feel so incredibly stupid. No matter how long or how intensely I study, the exam environment causes me to completely blank out and I make so many mistakes. I don't think I failed any finals (yet) but my GPA is genuinely pathetic. I am at least a tiny bit reassured by the fact that this is just an engineering undergrad canon event.

I am excited for winter break. I'm going to spend every waking hour drawing, writing, and coding for this site and my characters. Speaking of, I'm planning to order custom keychains and stickers of my OCs, Dio/Dillon and Lys. I'm going to put them everywhere so when people notice, they'll ask, and I get to start info-dumping about them >:D